I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
