You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
