i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
