mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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