I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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