other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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