god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
