Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
