final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
