Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
