Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
