It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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