As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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