This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
