when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
