There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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