I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
