im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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