im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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