WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this boner is exhausting
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
