Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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