I am midnight drunk by noon
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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