so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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