I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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