i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
