Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm like, not good at living.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
