Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
