i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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