Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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