My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
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