watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the condom got lost in my hair
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
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