so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
