She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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