He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
