There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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