I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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