Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
