So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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