You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
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Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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