Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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