Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
