Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
