Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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