I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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