Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
