why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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