i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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