We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
