I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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