At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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