My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
