i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
