i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
