every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
