I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
