Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
