I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
