Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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