finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We have so much sex to catch up on
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
