I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
