I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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