i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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